Be Kind. To You!

When you’re having a difficult time, fail, make a mistake or notice something you don’t like about yourself, how do you typically respond? With compassion toward yourself? Or with harsh judgement and self-criticism? Many of us find it difficult to offer ourselves the same understanding and kindness we would to a friend who is going through a hard time or feels inadequate. Instead we find ourselves stuck in constant debilitating self-judgement.

As some of you already know, I signed up for swimming lessons this past February for two reasons: 1) to overcome a life-long fear of deep water and 2) to prepare for completing one of my life goals, a triathlon. While I’ve been faithful about swim practice at the pool every week since February, I’m still not comfortable with the crawl. Every 6-7 strokes I still need to stop, catch my breath and muster courage to keep going.  Several weeks ago, however, I took the plunge and signed up for Iowa Games, a sprint triathlon which will take place this coming Sunday at Easter Lake in Des Moines.  This committment meant I needed to graduate from the pool and try open water swimming.  YIKES!  So two times last week,  several friends, triathletes themselves, met me at Racoon Valley Beach and accompanied me into deep water.  They stayed nearby as I tried hard not to freak out and practiced “swimming” (if that’s what you want to call my non-crawl version of moving slowly through the water while keeping my face above water). Their words were so kind: “You’re doing great!” or “You’ve come a long way, you can do this!”. My inner diaglogue however, was not so kind:  “What is taking you so long to learn this?” or “What are you so afraid of?” The compassion contrast between what my friends offered me and what I offered myself was striking.

In a previous blog post, I refered to the work of Dr. Kristin Neff, Associate Professor in Human Development and Culture, Educational Psychology Department, University of Texas at Austin. Dr Neff uses the term self-compassion to describe a way of relating to ourselves like we relate to our friends and loved ones. Self-compassion, she says, is being tuned into our own suffering (often the result of our own self-judegment and criticism), and offering a kind caring compassionate response to ourselves when we fail or feel inadequate, instead of ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with criticism. The practice of self-compassion, says Dr. Neff, can help us develop a healthy relationship with ourselves and can lead to increased empathy and openness to others.

Are you wondering how self-compassionate you really are? You may be interested in taking the short Test How Self-Compassionate You Are online assessment developed by Dr. Neff. Your  results will give you a nice baseline for continued personal growth in this area.

Are you interested in learning how to practice more self-compassion in your life? You may want to check out Dr. Neff’s very practical exercises to increase self-compassion (“click” just to the right of the test)  or read her book, Self-Compassion; Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind.

Be kind. To You!